


the light remains | ballum

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, not too bleak i hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 06:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19718485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: "You've been," Callum hesitates, "quiet, this past week."Ben takes a breath and turns his gaze to the files in front of him. "How would you know, you haven't seen me.""Exactly," Callum replies quietly.***Ben puts some distance between himself and Callum after what happened at Pride, so Callum goes after him for once.





	the light remains | ballum

Callum hated doing presentations at school when he was a kid. Standing there, all eyes on you as every shaky breath you drew made you stammer out the words, fingers gripping paper too tightly.

It's with that same jittery feeling that he wakes up. Everything's the same, but it's not. It can't be. Not when you're standing in a crowd of people who are proud to be who they are, their very existence a form of protest.  
Callum had felt exposed and hidden away at the same time.

He carries the feeling around for days, no one to share it with. It's like he's about to burst sometimes, it wells up and threatens to spill over, but it's all still a mess in his head. Whitney sees something's different but doesn't poke enough for something to actually shift.  
He avoids Stuart at all costs.  
Jay gives him a funny look sometimes, and Callum wonders what he did to warrant his suspicion, but he doesn't ask.

Ben's presence in his life becomes prominent, bold and underlined several times. It's like his senses have heightened, and the imprint of Ben's soft lips against his cheek comes back to him, the fleeting graze of Ben's hand in his.  
Callum becomes greedy. Something has dislodged, and the feeling of _want_ is undeniable and unavoidable.

But Ben is nowhere to be found. He doesn't know if it's intentional or just a stupid coincidence, but he doesn't see him for five long days.  
He's more under Callum's skin than ever, lodged in his brain, and he misses the little moments they normally share, daily.  
The teasing comments, twinkling eyes staring at his own. The smirk that he wants to kiss off of Ben's face. The sobering expression that shows when Callum bares a tiny piece of himself, and Ben never fails to make him feel heard and understood. 

It's not there. _He's_ not there.  
And maybe for the first time, Callum feels brave enough to do something about it.  
He loosens his grip slightly when the heat of the coffee burns his fingers through the cup.  
His other hand comes up to knock on the door of the car lot office.

"Yeah?"  
Callum steps inside and shuts the door behind him. Ben looks up from his papers, lips slightly apart for a moment, and then his face closes off.  
There's bruises around his nose, cheekbones and forehead, varying shades of blue, green, red, yellow and purple. Callum swallows the panic that comes up.  
"What are you doin' here?"  
Callum holds the coffee up with a careful smile. "Thought you could use this." 

Ben looks at the cup as it sits on the table. He looks tired.  
"Thanks." He doesn't mean it. It's not snidely, just hollow.  
"Anything else?" Ben asks when Callum stays where he is. 

"You've been," Callum hesitates, "quiet, this past week."  
Ben takes a breath and turns his gaze to the files in front of him. "How would you know, you haven't seen me."  
"Exactly," Callum replies quietly.  
Ben looks up at him, shrugging after a moment. "Busy." 

Callum sits down on the seat at the other side of Ben's desk, hearing Ben shakily exhale as he does so.  
"Ben," Callum says, trying to keep his tone neutral, "what's happened?"  
Ben crosses a few things out and flicks the page. "Nothing."  
Callum presses his lips together, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. 

"You looked like you were 'aving fun, last weekend." Callum says, trying to get something out of Ben.  
"I was," Ben says, and Callum feels his stomach dip.  
"Did you, did you end up with someone?" The thoughts zap through Callum's brain. Did Ben hook up with someone? Has he been doing that all along, even with this _thing_ between them? Did his fling give him those bruises? Has he-

"Callum, I," Ben interrupts his thoughts, and when Callum looks at him he's biting his lip against watering eyes. He swallows thickly and hardens his jaw. "I ended up at the Arches with your brother beating the life out of me." 

There's that wave of nausea again.  
"He seems to think I'm trying to drag you over to the dark side," Ben says with a humorless laugh, twirling a pen with his fingers.  
"Ben, I'm-" Ben slams his flat palm on the table, and Callum jumps.  
"Don't apologize for him," Ben grits. "Not your fault, remember." He adds, quieter this time.

Callum leans over the table, fingers slowly coming up to Ben's cheek, eyes meeting his to see if this is okay, and his fingerstips gently graze one of the darker blotches near Ben's cheekbone. As he lets his hand come around the side of Ben's head, holding as his thumb brushes over skin, he sees Ben's shoulders sag down as he relaxes them.  
"Does it still hurt?" Callum asks into the quiet, and Ben shakes his head ever so slightly.

"Not really, most of them are healing." Ben hisses when Callum's thumb presses a little too hard.  
"Okay, it does when you do that," Ben says, smiling a little as Callum apologizes profusely. Callum smiles back, warmth flooding his chest.  
Ben's hand comes up to cover Callum's hand on his face, and his smile turns sombre as he looks at Callum like something he can't have.

"You should go," Ben says, voice barely above a whisper. Callum's eyes drop to Ben's mouth, and Ben squeezes his hand. "Please."

So he does. Ben puts distance between them, and it feels even further that way. He doesn't miss the way Ben's eyes follow him all the way to the door.  
Not dismissive or cold, but soft and caring, and Callum doesn't know how he still deserves that after what's happened. But Ben is nothing if not defiant, and as he looks through the small gap of the almost closed door, Callum feels a glimmer of pride and admiration for him, the way he holds himself and refuses to apologize for it.  
Maybe he can meet him there one day.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. please let me know what you thought! :)  
> you can also find me on [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/) :)


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